WTF do you do all day?

I know a lot of people have thought it and {hopefully} yo momma raised you right so you've never said it aloud but since I'm feeling generous, I'm going to give you an inside peek into WTF it is Stay at Home Moms do all day. Or at least this SAHM...I wont speak for all of them because the last thing you should ever do is assume anything about sleep deprived, coffee fueled women who deal with toddlers all day {trust me on this one}.

I've been running this {shit}show for the last 6 years and I've gotten my fair share of curious/judgmental/nosy questions along the way so let's just clear up a few of my personal favorites real quick--

'Don't you get bored?!' Ummm duh. 

'What are you going to do when the kids are all in school?!' I'm not 100% sure what direction my life will be in next Thursday let alone in five years from now. 

'3 kids under 6?! You must have your hands full.' Yes I do but I always make sure one hand is empty by 7pm so I can put a beer in it {priorities}.

'I could never stay home all day like that. I'd go crazy.' Ya know what would make me crazy? Working a 40hr a week job and still only being able to afford the $8 bottle of wine at Rite Aid after I pay for daycare for 3 kids, that's what.

(Me. Hiding from my kids and your unwanted judgement.)

So here's the breakdown for all you nosy ass people out there who are still reading this {Kidding. Please keep reading. The next part took forever to write. Love you.} 

6:45am: Open eyes. Brush. Wash.

7am: Wake up kids. Pray middle child doesn't take a swing at me.

7:15-8:30am: 1st cup of coffee. Feed kids. Make lunch for kindergartner. Hunt for quarters to send with kindergartner for whatever fundraiser is going on this week. Pick out outfits. Listen to middle child cry that she cant wear a dress. Get everyone washed and brushed and out the door.

8:35am: Drop off kindergartner

9:00am: Drop off preschooler

9:15-10am: Laundry. Clean up kitchen after breakfast. Whisper chat with BFF while Nolan naps. Drink 2nd cup of coffee.

10am: Play with the lil guy. Attempt to fold laundry while lil guy throws clean clothes around the room. Reheat coffee. Get smacked in face with PopTart box.

10:05am: Tell Nolan no Poptarts.

10:06am: Give in and give screaming kid Pop Tart.

10:07am: Watch kid take one bite of PopTart and give the rest to the dog. Die a little inside.

10:15-11:15am: Pay bills/play/read/clean.

11:30am: Pick up preschooler.

11:45am: Lunch time. Reheat coffee. Naptime. Send preschooler upstairs to do whatever she does besides nap. Reheat coffee.

Noon: Clean up kitchen from lunch. Tiptoe around living room picking up toys while Nolan naps.

12:30pm: Shovel food in my face and try not to breathe too hard as I enjoy the silence. Give up on reheated garbage coffee.

1pm: Finish laundry/scrub something I just scrubbed two days ago.

1:15pm: Nolan wakes up. Read books. Play. Get hit in head with NutriGrain bars.

2pm: Preschooler descends from upstairs.

2:15pm: Chill time. Cartoons. More snacks. Recheck dinner recipe to figure out what essential ingredient I forgot to buy.

3pm: Pick up house before kindergartner gets home.

3:30pm: Leave to get kindergartner.

3:35pm: Stand in pick up line and try not to be awkward when adults talk to me.

4pm: Home with kindergartner.

4:10pm: Some type of annoying craft activity that takes 25min to set up and is over in 10min.

5pm: Start making dinner. Kids disappear to the basement because they know better.

6pm: DADDYS HOME THANKYOUJESUS.

6:15pm: Dinner.

6:45pm: Faceplant into couch. Get immediately swarmed by all three kids who don't give good backrubs. Debate leaving kitchen dirty until morning.

7pm: Clean up kitchen for the 42nd time. Family time. W{h}ine time. Binge watch 'Shameless' when kids disappear with Ipads.

9pm: Head upstairs. Brush. Wash. Tuck kids in. Squeeze their faces because they are so adorable and Ilovethemsomuchithurts.

9:10pm: Tell kids to lay down its bedtime. 

9:20pm: Yell at kids to go to bed because if I come in there they will be sorry. 

9:30pm: Debate going downstairs for 'me' time. Never do. 

9:33pm: Pass out. 

So there ya have it. And listen, Working Moms, Single Moms, Moms whose Husbands travel a lot etc you guys are my heroes...please don't take this as a 'My day is so much harder than yours' diatribe because at the end of the day, were all just Moms trying not to raise asshole children while staring at a clock waiting for our version of Whine Thirty. If you do more than me in a day, you are superhuman. If you do less and your kids are happy, tell me all your secrets. If you're silently judging me for giving my kids PopTarts, don't bother because the dog eats 85% of them anyways. If your surprised by what you read because you thought I had my shit together and my life was magical, I apologize for ever giving you that impression. And finally {and most importantly}, if you read that and felt exhausted and pity me, turn it into something tangible and send me free wine and cheese. 

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