Thursday, March 9, 2017

Conversations with a Psycho Mom

There is nothing that makes me laugh {and cringe} harder than looking back at the first time Mom I was 6 years ago.

{Me. 6 years ago. Back when I still attempted to do my hair.} 

Maybe its a rite of passage, like wearing foundation two shades too dark in middle school or that time you thought it would be a good idea to really test the limits of how much your liver can handle only to end up face down in a puddle of your own vomit 2 hours later, that all Moms must go through in order to find their parenting style and figure out what techniques work and which ones don't or maybe its just an evolutionary process we go through as we get older and wiser and start to understand how much the little shit just really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

If I could go back in time and sit that stressed out, overly cautious, paranoid, and often times completely neurotic version of myself down for a glass {or bottle} of wine and a dose of reality, here are the 7 things Id tell her to chill the hell out about:

Just feed the baby and stop stressing. Seriously. You are a basket case and Im worried about you. If she cries, feed her. If shes sick, feed her. If you just fed her and shes crying, feed her. Stop reading and researching and driving yourself crazy about how much shes getting and if you are producing enough. Quit pressuring yourself to make breastfeeding work until whatever ridiculous date you have set in your head; buy some formula in case you need a break one night. 

Bumps and Bruises:
I know, I know. You broke down last night. You stressed yourself out of breastfeeding and laid the baby on the couch to go make a bottle only to hear a loud thump and wail 30 seconds later when her head connected with the floor. Shes fine. Stop googling 'signs of brain damage in newborns'. 6 years from now shes going to break her arm on the monkey bars and her little brother will barrel roll head first down 14 stairs. Their squishy heads and lack of long term memory were made for this, I promise.

The Outfit of the Day:
Remember that outfit you just had to buy for her when she was still in your belly because it made your heart melt with cuteness and there was no price tag too large for your perfect princess? Its at the bottom of a landfill now because she pooped straight up her back and no amount of OxiClean was removing that stain. Stop paying full price for clothes she will outgrow in a month.  Resale shops and clearance racks are where you belong now. Embrace it and enjoy your extra cash.

Capturing the Moment:
Put the camera down. You do not need 843 pictures of your perfect baby laying on a play mat staring into space. Shes going to do way cuter and far more interesting things in the future. Live in the moment instead of capturing it; get down on that mat and enjoy her, smell her, just stare at her tiny face and beautiful features. Commit the moment to memory instead of thinking of cute ways to caption it on Facebook.

Your Post Baby Body:
It is what it is girlfriend. Your body is going to experience and grow two more babies and by the time your done, nothing is going to be where its supposed to be. 6 years from now your husband is still going to be attracted to you, possibly even more so after all you two will go through, so stop trying to hide under sweatshirts and pajama pants and stepping on the scale every other day to see if a miracle happened over night; it didn't and that's okay.

They are everywhere and the day is coming when you will turn around and see your precious baby with a mouthful of dog food. Stop hibernating all winter in order to avoid the lady coughing in front of you at the grocery store. You may have avoided constant ear aches and unrelenting colds for the last 6 years but eventually shes going to go to kindergarten, come home from her first day of school and puke all over your floor. Get used to it.

Playing the Comparison Game.
Its hard I know. Everyday is a new challenge that presents another thing you feel like your failing at and there are so many moms that make it look so damn easy. Its not easy. For anyone. Its hard and messy and exhausting and some days are so long you will be praying for bedtime by 2pm. You are doing fine. There will be days you mess up so hard you cant stand yourself; let it go. Stop forcing yourself to enjoy every moment; you wont, no one does. Slow down and quit trying to coax her into meeting milestones; babies don't care about timelines and she will talk, crawl and walk when shes ready, not when you are. Just breathe. That precious little baby your holding grows up to be an amazing, intelligent, kind, creative, and loving little 6 year old; not in spite of you but because of you.


  1. Someone needs to explain this to husbands, bc they just don't get it.

  2. Love allll of this! It's all so true.

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